Parenting Assistance Line - PAL

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

There are some questions and issues that seem to be common for most parents. (It's comforting to know we are not alone!) PAL has compiled some of those questions with answers to assist parents as we travel through the parenting journey together.

PAL wants to encourage and support you in becoming a more confident parent. Let's face it…when babies are born, they don't come with "instructions!" With today's stresses and problems we all just need a little help. PAL is designed to provide helpful assistance and information to moms, dads, grandparents, and relatives whose children are ages birth to twelve.

For more information please call PAL at 1-866-962-3030. A Parent Resource Specialist will be happy to talk with you. Calls are free and confidential.

Sometimes "talking it out" can help us not "take it out" on our children.

What can I do to calm my crying baby?

I've heard I should read to my baby…why?

Should I worry if my 12-month old is not walking?

What should I do if my child bites?

When and how should I begin to potty-train my child?

My kids seem to fight all the time…what should I do?

How many words should my 2-year-old be saying?

How do I choose a child care program that is best for my child?

How should I deal with my 3-year-old's aggressive behavior?

How can I get my child to do homework?

How do I talk with my pre-teen about sex and drugs?

How can I get my baby to sleep through the night?

How Do I Choose a Child Care Program That is Best For My Child?

What Should My Child Know to Start Kindergarten?

What can I do about my 7 year old wetting the bed?

What can I do to calm my crying baby?
Babies cry to communicate their needs… hunger, a soiled diaper, sleepiness, over-stimulation, illness, etc.

Here are some suggestions to calm your crying baby:

• Try nursing or giving your baby a bottle.
• Try changing your baby's diaper.
• Rock and quietly sing to your baby.
• Turn down lights and noise.
• Swaddle your baby.
• Snuggle with your baby.
• Lay your baby flat on her back and bicycle her legs.
• Pat your baby's back while she is over your shoulder to expel gas.
• Pat your baby's back while carefully holding your baby with her tummy in your palm, with her legs straddling your elbow.
• Give your baby a warm bath.
• Try a change of scenery. Walk into another room or outside with your baby.
• Try a swing or bouncy seat with rhythmic motion.
• Stay calm.
• Ask for help from a trustworthy person.
• If you suspect your baby may be sick, call your pediatrician's office to talk with the nurse or doctor.
• If you feel you are beginning to lose control, put your baby down in a safe place and call a friend or PAL (1-866-962-3030) to talk out your frustration.

I've heard I should read to my baby… Why?
While it is true that most of parenting involves real work, some of parenting is pure pleasure! Right from birth cuddling up with your baby and a book not only feels good, but strengthens the bond between the two of you. Holding your baby, coaxing responses from him, talking and singing, and showing pictures in books, actually contribute to the "wiring" of the still developing brain. As you read, your child begins to pick up the rhythm of language and build a vocabulary. The soothing sound of your voice can calm a distraught child and make sleep time more relaxing. Taking books wherever you go can help keep your child engaged when waiting for doctor appointments, during trips to the mall or long car rides.

For reading tips see PAL's "Your Child's Development/ Reading With Your Baby".

What should I do if my child bites?
Biting can be a common but unacceptable behavior. Children who bite are usually under stress. The stress could be as simple as not wanting to share, or something larger such as a change in the family or a new sibling.

If your child is biting other children or adults, here are some suggestions to help your child stop biting:

1. When the bite occurs, get on your child's eye level, make eye contact and tell your child firmly "No! Biting hurts. Do not bite."
2. Take note of when your child usually bites. If you see your child in that situation try to redirect him by introducing a new toy or offering another activity.
3. If your child feels the urge to bite, you can give her something safe to bite such as a squishy toy or a washcloth. Tell your child to bite this object not people.
4. Acknowledge your child's feelings when he feels the urge to bite. Children need to know it is OK to be angry or frustrated, but it is NOT OK to bite.
5. Never bite a child back. It does not build the respect and warmth needed in the parent-child relationship. Show your child how to be gentle by setting a gentle example.

Should I worry if my 12-month old is not walking?
A typical child in the United States walks between 10-15 months of age. Some children take a few independent steps before 10 months and some children are content to crawl or 'cruise' along furniture until they are well into their second year.

A child who does not walk by the age of 12 months is not necessarily delayed. Some children who are less active may not be in any hurry to walk. A child who is big for his age may also walk a little later because it takes more muscle strength for him to motor about.

Children are unique in every aspect and that certainly applies to walking. As long as your child is capable of the following developmental milestones by the age of 15 months, relax and enjoy these days before toddler-hood takes over!

• Rolling over.
• Sitting alone without assistance.
• Crawling, scooting on their bottoms or pulling themselves along with their arms while lying on their tummy.
• Pulling themselves up into a standing position.
• Cruising along furniture while holding on.
• Takes steps with both hands held.
• Makes attempts to slide from your lap to the floor.

If you feel your toddler is not growing or learning in the way you expect, please talk with your pediatrician and/or call Alabama's Early Intervention System for further assessment (334-242-8114).

When and how should I begin to potty train my child?
Most parents begin their child's potty training process around the age of two. Most children train by the age of three. Some children will train before age two while others could train as late as age four. It is important for parents to remember that every child is different. Relax and allow your child to let you know when he is ready. If your child feels pressured, potty training may be a long and stressful experience! With an attitude of patience, love, acceptance, and respect , parents can make potty training a positive learning experience.

For signs of readiness and helpful tips, see PAL's "Your Child's Development/Potty Training".

My kids seem to fight all of the time… What should I do?
Disagreements between siblings have many causes which can include jealousy, competition, differences in temperament and developmental stages, illness, and daily stress.

So, what's a parent to do when sparks are flying?
Try monitoring the situation from a distance. Do not get involved unless there is danger to a person or property. If they come to you with the disagreement, encourage them to work it out between themselves peacefully. Parents are often surprised to see that their children are capable of working through disputes on their own.

Set firm rules, such as, "no physical contact", "no name-calling" and "no putting down or belittling one another."

If you must get involved…

• Give every one time to cool off. Allow enough time to pass for emotions to calm down.
• Don't take sides.
• Don't worry about who started it or who's to blame. Just try to resolve the disagreement in a peaceful manner.
• Insure that everyone has adequate time to speak.
• Insure that the feelings of everyone involved are acknowledged and respected.
• Try to come up with a win-win situation so that something is gained by each child.

When children work through disagreements with their siblings, they are developing important problem solving skills that will benefit them and those around them throughout their lives.

For helpful tips on preventative measures, see PAL's "Your Child's Development/School Age Sibling Rivalry".

How many words should my 2-year-old be saying?
Somewhere around the beginning of the second year (typically between 18 and 24 months) most children experience a language explosion! Your child should start forming short 2-3 word sentences and have a vocabulary of about 50 words.

Throughout the second year most parents notice a continued gradual increase in language ability. By the end of age two your child should use 150-300 different words!

How can I help my child learn new words and speak clearly?

• Talk with your child as you go about your daily routines. Ask questions and point out and name new objects in your surroundings.
• Read to your child daily and talk about what you see in the book.
• Sing songs and do 'finger-play' activities together.
• Use less baby talk and introduce new words by speaking them slowly and clearly.
• Do not copy your child's incorrect speech. Use the proper pronunciations when you speak and your child will learn by imitating you.
• Refrain from correcting or making fun of your child. Children learn best by example not ridicule.
• Do not assume that your child will build an extensive vocabulary from watching children's television. Although there are many good programs for toddlers, there is NO substitute for engaging your child in conversation.

What should I do if I think my child is lagging behind?

• By the end of the second year you should be able to understand about 2/3 of what your child says.
• Be patient and keep in mind that not all children follow a typical developmental pattern. Usually boys have a harder time mastering speech than do girls, but most often they will catch up!
• If you feel your child is not learning in the way you expect, please talk with your pediatrician and/or call Alabama's Early Intervention System for further assessment (334-242-8114).

How should I deal with my 3-year-old's aggressive behavior?
Aggressive behaviors (kicking, hitting, throwing things, etc.) are fairly common in three year olds, but no less unacceptable and distressing for parents. Children who are aggressive could be frustrated or under stress. The stress could be as simple as not wanting to share, or something larger such as a change in the family or a new sibling. Aggression could also be a behavior that children learn from other family members or friends.

What should parents do?

• Teach your child to express his feelings with words. "I know that you are angry with your sister. Instead of kicking her you can say to me, 'I am angry with her because…'"
• Encourage expressive play. Hammering, creating with play dough or clay, water play, sand play, painting, and coloring can relieve frustration and are acceptable ways to deal with stress.
• Set limits. Let your child know it's not OK to hurt others.
• Monitor your child's play with others.
• Reward co-operative and non-aggressive behavior. Say, "I like the way that you played together so nicely today." And remember, hugs are great rewards!
• Spanking and yelling often make children fearful or angry and can encourage aggressive behavior.
• Model appropriate behavior. Children learn behavior modeled by the adults around them.
• If your child's aggressive behaviors continue on a consistent basis or worsen, talk with your pediatrician for possible referral for further assessment.

How can I get my child to do homework?
Parents want their children to be successful in school, but often the issue of homework gets in the way of that success. With a little creativity, parents can make the homework struggle easier.

Ways that parents can help their children focus on homework:

• Help your child select an appropriate, comfortable place to do homework.
• Keep homework supplies close to the designated homework area. Supplies could include pencils, pens, a ruler, a dictionary, a thesaurus, glue, scissors, etc.
• Minimize distractions in the homework area. For instance, turn off televisions, radios and cell phones. Provide a small snack to prevent hunger.
• Establish a routine. Schedule an allotted time for homework each day. If your child has no homework on a given day, suggest that he reads or studies during the allotted homework time.
• Make yourself available for assistance, but avoid doing your child's homework for them.
• Record important deadlines on a calendar and check it daily.
• Show an interest in your child's work.
• Reward progress.

Encouraging and supporting your child's ability to complete work on his own is key to minimizing homework struggles.

How Do I Talk With My Pre-Teen About Sex and Drugs?
As a parent, it is important to talk with your child about sex and drugs. Even during the early elementary years you may talk about general health issues as well as the importance of taking appropriate care of the body. At this age children are naturally curious about how the body works which provides the opportunity to also share some general information of the effects of various illegal drugs.

During the middle school years perceptions of you. as the parent, may begin to change and close identification with peers emerges. Rules and values that were once accepted without question may become topics of heated discussion. If handled well, these discussions can keep the lines of communication open which is critical when it is time to talk about important issues like sex and drugs. Listen carefully to what your child says, but also pay close attention to what may be communicated "between the lines." When your child feels like he is REALLY being heard he will be more open to talking with you. Although it may seem like he is not listening, he is hearing more than you think! Be respectful even if his viewpoint may differ from yours; allow him to finish what he is saying before you share your ideas.

Talking about sex and drugs can be embarrassing for both the parent and child. Because of the sensitive nature of these topics, it may be more comfortable to approach the subject more casually while you are both together and involved in another activity, i.e. driving in the care, working in the yard, shopping together, playing sports, etc. Boys particularly tend to be more comfortable and open to talking while engaged in work or play…but DO talk to them! The issues are too important; what we as parents don't share, the media or peers will! And much of what they learn may be misinformation or reflect values you may not endorse! Remember your child's health and safety are at risk!

For further information, see PAL's "Talking With Your Child.

How can I get my baby to sleep through the night?
During the first few weeks of your baby's life his tiny stomach can only hold enough food to last 2-4 hours. During these first few weeks there is no way to escape round-the-clock wakings and feedings. However, many infants will begin sleeping for 7-8 hours during the night at about 3 months. But, keep in mind, different babies have different sleep needs.

If your baby is not sleeping through the night by the age of three months there are a few things you can do to help.

• Keep your baby awake longer during the afternoon and early evening. Play actively and allow your baby to remain in the room with the rest of the family. This will lessen the chances that your baby will drift off to sleep too early.
• Make sure your baby takes a full feeding before bed so that she does not wake up hungry in the middle of the night.
• Don't hurry to the baby's side every time you hear a whimper. Babies cycle between light and deep sleep throughout the night. Give your baby a chance to settle back down without your help.
• When your baby does wake at night keep activity to a minimum. Do not play or talk with your infant and use just enough light to manage. If your baby is waking up very early in the morning try putting dark shades on the windows to keep the morning sun out.
• Keep a regular bed-time routine. Give a warm bath, feed and sing or rock your baby at the same time each night. This establishes a pattern for easier bedtime with fewer challanges later on.

Babies do not have regular sleep cycles until they are about 6 months of age and then it is still not unusual for infants to get their days and nights mixed up. NEVER give your baby any type of drug to induce sleep!!! There is NO safe sleep aid for infants.

Be patient and remember that as your baby grows you will get more sleep.

How Do I Choose a Child Care Program That is Best For My Child?
As a parent you want the very best for your child. Finding quality child care is one of the most critical decisions parents face. Just as a child needs clothing and shoes that fit, they need a childcare program that is also a good 'fit'.

Following is a list of suggestions to aid in your evaluation of caregivers and childcare programs.

1. Start Early! - Some accredited programs have long waiting lists. If at all possible, begin several months before care is actually needed.
2. Take Your Time and Make Visits! - Visit as many programs as you can and talk to other parents about their personal experiences.
3. Ask Questions! - Ask about the turnover rate. How long have the caregivers been with the same center? How long has the center been in business? It is very difficult for children to develop the vital nurturing attachments they require if caregivers are constantly changing.

What you are looking for in a good childcare program is a well-trained, competent, caring staff that puts the needs of the children first. The rooms should be clean, organized, and not overcrowded. You should not see any obvious signs of danger or neglect and the caregivers should treat the children with respect and kindness. You and your child should feel welcomed and you should be free to visit the center whenever you choose.

If for any reason you feel as if something is just not right, trust your instincts as a parent and look elsewhere.

For additional information see PAL's "Health and Safety/Choosing Quality Childcare."

What Should My Child Know to Start Kindergarten?
What is meant by school readiness? - School readiness is a combination of age, individual growth, and experience. Your child will develop at his or her own rate; however, your involvement will promote readiness.

What is the best age to start kindergarten? - Most kindergarten programs have specific cut-off dates based on the child's age. Usually a child is expected to turn five years old by the early fall if he is to be admitted that year. However, keep in mind that there is no magic age at which all children are ready for kindergarten.

Remember, you know your child better than anyone! Give careful consideration to the following factors and trust yourself to decide if your child is ready to start kindergarten.

• Social & Emotional Development : Teachers across the nation state that both social and emotional development is of primary importance in regards to school readiness. Can he share, take turns and follow rules? Children who are not emotionally mature have a much harder time adjusting to school.
• Physical Development: Children need to be able to perform typical large and small muscle activities. Is he able to climb, draw, use scissors and bounce balls?
• Number Concepts: Classifying, ordering, counting, and time and space relationships are directly related to a child's ability to perform mathematical tasks. For instance can he count 4-10 objects and arrange items in groups according to size, shape or color?
• Language: Listening, speaking, reading, and writing are tied to everything children learn or do in school. Can he talk in sentences and follow directions?
• Writing: Can he write scribble and draw? Does he try to write his own name?
• Concept Development: As your child grows he will begin to understand concepts such as colors, shapes and sorting. Can he recognize and name colors and understand concepts such as in/out, off/on, and front/back?
• Health and Safety: It is vitally important that your child have proper nutrition, healthcare, and an established routine (especially bedtime) if he is going to succeed in school.

For additional information and signs of readiness see PAL's "Your Child's Development/Preschooler's School Readiness."

What can I do about my 7 year old wetting the bed?
Like so many other issues related to children, bedwetting has its own developmental time line. It is not uncommon for a 7- year-old to still have trouble staying dry at night. Between 15% and 30% of school age children wet the bed at least once per month.

What causes bedwetting?

Although the causes for bedwetting are varied pediatricians agree the following reasons are most common:

• Your child is a deep sleeper and does not awaken to the signal of a full bladder.
• Your child's body may make too much urine at night.
• Your child is suffering from a minor illness, is overly tired or is responding to stress and change in his life.
• There is a history of bedwetting in your family.
• Your child has an under-developed bladder.

What can you do?

The first step is to take your child to the pediatrician and confirm there is not a medical condition causing bedwetting. After you have confirmed that your child is otherwise healthy you can try the following:

• Reassure your child that many children have the same problem and that as he matures the problem will go away.
• Reduce the amount of liquids your child consumes in the evening and make sure he uses the restroom at bedtime.
• Try waking him 1-2 hours after he goes to bed to use the toilet.
• Protect the bed with plastic so his room does not smell of urine.
• NEVER allow siblings to tease him.
• Talk with your pediatrician about available medications that may help. These are not usually recommended for children under five.
• Reward him for dry nights and do not punish him for wet ones.